Christmas = depression

Well my last blog was pretty negative and full of self doubt. So I had to delete it but that is just typical this time of year for me. They say that the suicide rate is up this time of year and more people battle depression this time of year more then any other time. Some people its because of struggles with money around the holidays, others its the weather just depresses them and of course the pressure of spending that much time with family dooms a few. I dont know what does it to me but I have battled depression this time of year as long as I can remember. I remember being 9 or 10 years old and not being excited about Christmas and just pulling away from my family. Some years its really bad and I wish I weren't a live others I am just blue but can function pretty much without people knowing. I know part of it when i was a child came from having divorced parents and going to Christmas at my dads side of the family and feeling like the outsider there because me and my sister didnt spend much time with them. As I have gotten old most everything bad has happened to me from the week after Thanksgiving up until just after Valentines day. I have had engagements fail this time of year. I had the man I considered my father commit suicide the week before my bday when I was in college. There are other things but those are a few example. Basically I relate Christmas and my bday (which is Feb 4th) with bad memories and not good ones. I love seeing my family but this time of year I make short appearances and then go off by myself or meet up with my buddies and get drunk. I have used that as a crutch the last few years just get drunk and drown how I feel away. I am writing this hoping that by getting it out there I wont fall into this trap again this year. Last week I felt it happening yes part of it was because yet again something I consider bad went wrong in my life. I just want my friends to know if I pull away that this is what is going on. I am not a danger to myself I promise just need time to think about life.